I'm Not Good Enough

I still remember my first week in junior high school. That’s how long it took me to realize: I’m Not GoodEnoughIn elementary school I was. I had friends, even boyfriends. I was “in,” though being in wasn’t a big deal then. I was in a writing club. I made good grades. I outran the fastest boy in school. I was definitely good enough.Four elementary schools fed into our junior high. But only one of those schools was the right one. I did not go to the right elementary school. I was no longer good enough.So what else is new? Junior high/middle school is torture for everyone. But a recent conversation with my husband as we walked the beach gave me a startling revelation: That junior high discovery has followed me through my entire life.A few examples:High school: I wasn’t good enough (read, popular enough) to be elected editor of the school newspaper, so I had to settle for copy editor.College: I wasn’t good enough to be selected as a Goodfellow on campus, though I had as many or more activities and contributions to the university as others who were chosen.Writing: I am a pretty good writer and editor, but not really great. I have never been as good as I would like to be.In love: I broke an engagement to follow God’s leading. Surely a new love would follow. I felt not good enough as I waited nine years for my (wonderful) husband.Parenting: My first baby cried for 4 months. I could not comfort that child. There was no way I was good enough as a mother.Homemaking: Well, we don’t need to go there. I mostly don’t care that I’m not good enough in this arena. Reading to my children was much higher priority than cleaning, et al. Writing is a higher priority now. Even in cooking, which I’m pretty good at, I find myself pointing out what is wrong with a dish so people know I know it isn’t good enough.Personal discipline: I am diligent and hardworking, especially at things I love to do.  But when it comes to exercise, eating right, keeping things in order--not so much.Leading: I don't have strong organizational, strategic planning skills.  I'm not good enough to really lead well.In so many ways—I could name many more—I have told myself, “I’m not good enough.”I had no idea.Then, as I walked the beach alone the next day, God had another message for me.He reminded me, “I made you. I was there, forming you exactly into the woman I wanted you to be. You are intricately, fearfully and wonderfully put together.” (Psalm 139:13-16)There was more:“My daughter, you are my work of art, my masterpiece. And I have great plans for you. I have created you for specific roles in building my Kingdom.” (Ephesians 2:10)Just one more thing:“Judy, you are good enough. You are more than good enough: You are exactly what I had in mind—the best you could be!”