Mental Health and Midlife Marriage by Dorothy Littell Greco

Marriage in the Middle is the first book I’ve seen that gives help and hope for couples in midlife. The struggles are different from younger marriages, but so challenging. My friend Dorothy Greco has done a masterful job of addressing these challenges with honesty, humility and a little humor. In this excerpt she addresses the seldom talked about mental health difficulties that often emerge later in life.

Every aspect of who we are, including our mental health, is affected by aging. Though mental health issues are often much less visible than greying hair or increasing wrinkles, their potential impact is often greater.

Dropping hormone levels (particularly serotonin and dopamine) combined with decreased sleep, the death of our parents, and changing family dynamics can exceed the maximum load our psyches can bear. This may result in a variety of mental health issues—any and all of which have the capacity to seriously affect our intimate relationships.

Spike in Depression and Anxiety

Lately, mental health practitioners have noticed a spike in depression and anxiety for all demographics. A 2009–2012 study by the Center for Disease Control found that the highest rates of depression existed for those between the ages of forty to fifty-nine, with women besting men by five percentage points (7.2% for men and 12.3% for women).

Symptoms of clinical depression may manifest as a diminished capacity to work, parent, and/or engage relationally; an inability to experience pleasure or find joy (known as anhedonia in clinical terms); low energy levels; trouble concentrating; and lack of interest in normal activities.

In her book Troubled Minds, author Amy Simpson writes, “All mental illness, by definition, impairs a person’s basic functioning and disrupts the kind of social connections God created us to enjoy.”

Response to a Possibility

Like depression, anxiety has many manifestations. Anxiety is not the same as fear or worry. Simpson believes that “fear is a response to an immediate and known threat. Anxiety is a response to a possibility.” That possibility, however vague or improbable, can have tremendous influence over us. Anxiety’s power lies in its ability to distort reality. Anxious ruminations spin every category of thought into worst-case scenarios, particularly at night when catastrophizing or despair can easily gain the upper hand.

Based on his own struggles with anxiety, my husband. Christopher, believes “Anxiety has a watertight logic that can’t be easily dissuaded. Indeed, anything may go wrong at any time, and therefore anxiety is correct that worst-case scenarios do exist. When we’re flooded with anxiety, distortions rule, and we seem to overlook the little things that bring us joy and connection.”

Christians don’t talk about mental illness issues as openly as we need to. This can result in profound loneliness for anyone who deals with this on an ongoing basis. Though church communities shine in caring for people going through cancer treatment or when a family brings home a new baby, we can be strangely aloof in standing with individuals who deal with mental illness.

Reality of a Stigma

Unlike other areas of struggle, mental health issues carry a stigma. If we can’t pray it away or count on a drug to cure it, how do we make peace with and accommodate this limitation? Because mental illness contradicts our understanding of “victorious Christian living,” it’s much easier for us to judge or distance ourselves from those who suffer than it is to stay close and love, particularly if there’s no hope of an end date.

It’s hard not to wonder if the combination of shifting hormones and the inevitable existential questions and doubts that surface during this time aren’t contributing factors to the midlife spike in depression and anxiety. Upon realizing that our lives are half finished, we are compelled to reflect on our legacies.

The questions and regrets can be daunting: Will our parenting mistakes affect our children for the remainder of their lives? Was it a miscalculation not to have children? Why did we wait so long to start investing in our retirement? How do I feel about the fact that I’ve never had the kind of success that I imagined or hoped for? All of these legitimate concerns should be processed with our spouse and close friends and possibly with a therapist or spiritual director.

Whether or not we realize it, our mental health affects every aspect of marriage—from our ability to perform household chores to our earning potential to our sexual desires. As such, we cannot afford to dismiss or downplay the unique physical and mental health needs of midlife. By giving ourselves permission to ask difficult questions, choosing to support each other, and making peace with our increasing limitations, we should be able to experience aging as a blessing rather than a curse.

Dorothy Little Greco is the author of Making Marriage Beautiful and Marriage in the Middle. When she’s not writing or making photos, she loves to kayak and hike with her husband. You can find more of Dorothy’s work on her website: http://www.dorothygreco.com/